Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

This squirrel eats better than I do

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

every man in east london

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.