Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

This is my cat’s medicine.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.