In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out