In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit