In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k