Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Comparing yourself to others

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.