In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me: my friends:
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”