In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’M CRYINGGG
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.