*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.