Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.