Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic