Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating