I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*