[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
🤣
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.