[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat