Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.