Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this