Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

🐕🍷

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

shut up and take my money

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out