Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it