[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*