Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

when you order from DoorDastardly

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.