Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)