In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
