@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

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@TragicAllyHere

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

@thicclavabae

‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.

@rage_chaos

I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.