In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

You Might Also Like


[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me


If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.


‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.


I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…


Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.


Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.


I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.


[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.