In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Fries, not lies.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
did it work
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”