In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Bless you
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*