In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me trying to reach for my goals
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Husband of the year 😂
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
this country is so goddamn polarized
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
