in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
