in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
technique
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
