in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Before & after 😅
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Don’t talk down to me
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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