In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.