In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.