In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Family Celebrity
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Don’t make me out nice you.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years