In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
me hitting on a model
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house