Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Today’s Times

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.