In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics