I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.