Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

This could’ve been an email.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”