Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

britain’s three elite institutions

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.