In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
necessity is the mother of invention
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A man of commitment.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I hope they boil the right one.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
True freaking story!
