In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.