In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Not helping
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2