In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes