In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings