In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
You Might Also Like
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.