Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

How to properly lift a body

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.