In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
🤣
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.