@bombsydoll

in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’

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@JVarsityCaptain

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@djdarrellripley

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

@Gupton68

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

@tigermcleash

Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?

@iamburtjarvis

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

@Jam453Lane

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@freypalm

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

@senderblock23

“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation