according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them