in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’

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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…


*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?



Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?


my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.


Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.


No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*


“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation