Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Wait a minute…

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

taking June’s advice to heart

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”