In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
hey, alexa
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
lol