In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most