In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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3% human
97% stress
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The Backseat Boys
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.