In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace