Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.