in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
who did the taste test?
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Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg![]()
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”