In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Milk Cube
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.