In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
need a new bf mines broken 😐
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud