In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”