in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
fr
F*** flowers for Valentine’s Day, buy me eggs.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
