in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
