I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?