your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).