[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)