In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Autocorrect completely socks
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.