In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her