In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
oh you wanna fight?!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…