Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter