In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me 2 months after i graduated
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Kermit goes Blue.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.